and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
