i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
