What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
