highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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