and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
