If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
