It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
