drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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