Betty ford says i'm here all night
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
