If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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