if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
