i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
