I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
this boner is exhausting
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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