I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
