It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
