so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
