I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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