Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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