i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
