I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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