I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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