She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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