Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
