do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
