She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
