...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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