I wanna passion pit in your ass
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
