ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
