He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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