Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
