Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Randomize
