i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My ass is underappreciated
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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