they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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