Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
