yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
