He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
There's even glitter on my cock...
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