1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
she told me i tasted like america
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
