I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Girls should come with a carfax report
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
