If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
