new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Randomize
