you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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