he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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