I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
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apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
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I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom