I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything