I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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