i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
