so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
