I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
