I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
