i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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