You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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