My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
