When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
The beer is more important than you right now.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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