so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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