From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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