I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
