so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
This house was built for laser tag.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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