I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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