You can't special order awesome
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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